CONDOLEEZA GETS FINGERED

Yesterday's New York Times featured a ludicrously precious profile on the musical career of Condoleeza Rice, the second-most dangerous pianist of all time (if you think the Iraqi civil war deserves her a first-place slot, you've obviously forgotten about Billy Joel's wine-and-wheels habit). Anyway, the overly breathy piece is full of the kind of soft-news non-revelations you'd expect from the always-mum Secretary—she totally disses Puccini!—but it's salvaged by this quote from one of her bandmates:

"We generally like to start off with a nice finger-buster for the secretary," Mr. Battey said. That way, he explained, she's warmed up when they really get to work.

Earshot obtained a transcript of the unused parts of Mr. Battey's subtlety-free interview, in which he notes that Rice "prefers ebony over ivory, if you know what I'm saying," and that she'd "love to hook up with Alicia Keys." Expect Mr. Battey to be found dead in an Iraqi barley field by the end of the week.